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Please don't judge me. I'm only human

Woman at work

I have had a friendship with a guy I used to work with at my last job before we both got married. He was 24 at the time and I was 18.

We had a chemistry there right from the start and would flirt endlessly. It was never romantic, more of an urgent ''fuck me now'' flirting that would leave me shaking with want and need. Anyway, time passed, he got engaged to his girlfriend who he confessed to me is controlling and obsessive over him. At about this time I came out of a very bad relationship and began a rebound with my now husband. The flirting continued and eventually culminated in us kissing but not having sex. The flirting and canoodling (I hate that word but its the only one I can think of) carried on for a few more months on and off until I eventually left the job because I was being bullied by a manager.

Eventually, I forgot all about the guy and was leading a relatively normal life, I was enjoying my work immensely, and was waiting for my wedding to come up. I remember that I was never once excited for my wedding at all. I took no part in planning it... my husbands family are very controlling and pushy and I felt forced into it.

Then the abuse started, a couple of months before the marriage. My now husband would shout at me, belittle me, pretend to hit me (stopping his palm slapping my face inches away) ''play'' insulting, being controlling and manipulative - insinuating that I was to blame whenever he got angry. He would wind me up into full-blown fits of rage until I would hyperventilate in anger and end up lashing out, either at him or by throwing things. But I still married him because everyone thought he was this wonderful person with a great personality but in reality, he is so mean. But I feel scared to speak out, and now we have a mortgage together and I have no idea how I would leave without us both losing everything.

The wedding day was fine, everything went well, but all the way through I had this horrible feeling in my stomach that this was all wrong. I was fucking up. But I was too much of a pussy to say anything. So I just wandered around all day, talking to people, feeling like the loneliest fucking person in the room and like I was part of a pantomime, and I was the unwilling star of it all.

The abuse has continued since we got married last year. He has hit me, thrown me against walls, kicked me, tried to strangle me, and yet I still stay because I feel like it's what I deserve. It's my fault, it's karma. So I just let him beat the fuck out of me, cover my bruises up at work with clothing, and lie to the people that ask about the scratches or scars on my hands and arms. Because I feel like I need to protect him.

Anyway, fast forward to this week and I bump into the guy who I was flirting with. We chat, and joke, and end up agreeing to car share as we both work in the same area. First car share was fine, we chatted, flirted a little but nothing serious, and arranged our second car share for today, with this time he was driving.

So I dump my own car at his this morning and I get a ride to work, and I notice the same chemistry there that we had years ago. Except now things are so much more fucked up, we're both married to people who aren't right for us, and we both want the same thing. I try and ignore it, but by the ride home the tension is unbearable.

We get back to his and he invites me in to 'see his house' as his wife is out. I go in and end up kissing him again, and there are so much passion and fire in that one single kiss that I feel emotional after. I have forgotten what it feels like to be wanted, even if it is only for one thing. He begged me to fuck him but I refused and left, of course taking one more kiss because I don't know when I am gonna have that feeling ever again. I go home and act perfectly normal with my husband.

I don't have any guilt. Only this horrible, empty feeling that I now know I am so desperately unhappy with my husband but I have no fucking clue how to get out. Please don't judge me. I'm only human.