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An open letter about leaving an abusive relationship ...maybe it will help someone?

African woman

Nobody tells you how to cope with the realization that you’ve wasted 4 of the most prime years of your life. They tell you 1, 2, and even 3 years in that you’re making a huge mistake, they let you fall face first into reality, but then they leave you there, questioning every move and breath you took and are going to take in the future.

If they saw this coming why couldn’t I see it? Why did no one make me see what was glaringly obvious to all these people? You watched me self-destruct and let me fall. Didn’t I deserve a parachute?

I wouldn’t wish your influence over my worst of enemies, and whilst it was you and me, you made an enemy out of everyone. I have never known isolation like waking up and falling asleep next to you every day. You consumed my life, my personality, and you spat out what you wanted of it... even when you told me I wasn’t good enough. The hours I spent crying, hurting, and changing myself to try and stop your behavior was wasted. How foolish was I to think if I only I did this or that you’d stop playing your never-ending game?

Claustrophobia is living with someone who makes you feel like you aren’t able to carry on without them, someone who destroys every sense of right and wrong in your body. Did I deserve that? Did I push him to do that? Toxic doesn’t even begin to cover you.

How many things did you realize were missing when you walked back into ‘our’ home before you realized that even the most lost of souls have their breaking point? Did you even care I was gone or were you more worried about how you were going to make rent without me?

You told me once that this was it in life, I was boring, and this was just the path I had chosen. It was the day I left that I truly started making any decisions for myself.

I made it alone, and I wish you could see all the years of damage you did untangle itself. I took control of myself, ate what I wanted to eat, wore what I wanted to wear, and lived a life that you made impossible. You didn’t ruin me. How I wish you could see that you didn’t ruin me.

The saddest part of this story is that it took a complete outsider for me to finally catch up and see what all those people had warned me off for years. I left feeling content that I could move forward and build my life, but it wasn’t until I met him that I saw what how love was meant to be. No games, no blackmail, no lies.

He is kind. He is gentle. He is everything I have ever wanted and am only just realizing that I deserve. I do deserve happiness, and he is that, actual happiness.

His smile makes me smile and his laugh makes me want to laugh at even the stupidest of jokes he makes. His arm wraps around me at night and despite it waking me up every damned time, I look forward to him disturbing my sleep every time he stays. I long for his scent to linger on my body, my clothes, and my flat because he’s intoxicating and makes me feel safe like your eviction notice never could. I long for him, just to glance at me when he passes by at work because he makes me feel alive and electric inside when I wasn’t sure I could even feel anymore. His sense of, albeit disgusting, humor bounces off mine, and he’s made me realize what a good man really is.

The pathetic mess that you are was far from all my life was going to amount to, and despite it taking me almost 4 years to see that, I got there in the end. For the first time in all those years, I feel alive, worthy of love, and happy.

Walking out on you was only the beginning. I hope you feel misery like you made me feel because you deserve hell and back.